You write such pretty words

All I want to say is I'm helpless and hopeless and I've never felt so afraid of reality

One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories
"He, he tastes like you only sweeter"


So much happened today I don't know if I have time to tell it all.

-My brother called and ended up telling me his bunkmate thinks I'm cute and gorgous XD
-My mom took me to gburg ALLL DAY and totally purged on me. I got $150 in clothes, a pair of shoes, and went out to eat twice
-I met the cutest little puppy ever!
-I actually came out to my mom


Only one bad thing happened...

I was relaxing, letting the wind blow my hair back, and we slowed to a stop, so I open my phone to check the time.

1 New Text Message From Dad
"WHAT U 2 GOOD 2 CALL ME? DAD"

My stomach fell. I almost threw up. All I could think of was, "Is it a joke? Does he have it caps from being pissed? Or is that just like how some people talk in ALL CAPS on chats? Does he hate me? Should I call?"

I really need somebody to talk to about this.


Today was basically great, I might give details some other time, but it's late and I have a concert tomorrow.

( Cute/Gorgous picture, puppy, and more )

I loved you
You made me
Hate me
You gave me
Hate, see!


So.. I'm in keyboarding
I always get done too early

I'll do that why do you blog crap later, i don't feel like it now

I've had personal dumb drama with steven (b/f) which is dumb
He's dumb
Whatever
I'm over it =]


We, and some others, have plans Friday
Wonder if he'll blow that off too...









ps: It's christmas in hollywood, santa's back up in the hood
So meet me under the mistletoe
Let's fuuuuckkk

Everyone knew that I would take this fall,
My jalousy is bouncing off these walls.
Don't give up, I'm not giving in,
I want you to comfort me.
Never second guessed my feelings,
I want you to stop and see.
Love, if you can feel it, don't deny it, it's love.
And it's all for you.


I'm in keyboarding
So this'll be really short


WHO'S HIGH? IT'S 4/20 BABBABBEZZZ LOLOLOL


...I'm done now

Loves an excuse to get hurt
And to hurt
Do you like to hurt?
I do, I do, I do, I do
Then hurt me...



Letter

Devon,
You're not going to read this. Not because you'll refuse, or can't, but simple because I won't give it to you. End of story, let's move on.

I'm writting this for my own guilt to leave me the 'eff alone. And for you. And because of some confusing cowincedenses that have happened lately.

I don't think you should have joined the guard. I know, you're already sworn in and there is no backing out now, but I still think you should know my opinon on this life changing matter. I have many reasons behind my decision here, all of which any logical person could contradict. Is that stopping me? No.

Reason 1: You're in for all the wrong reasons
Don't think that I'm stupid. I know you first signed up to prove to Hilary that you would change. You told me, remember? I think you went through with it after you guys broke up to try and make people think that this wasn't the reason, and to prove you're not a pansy. Please, Devon, tell me this: Who are you trying to impress?! The army, wheather you're in "just the guards" or the Navy, is a very dangerous thing. This leads me to my next reason...

Reason 2: You have no clue what you're in for
Okay, so maybe you know the basics of what the army is about and maybe you've seen what happens in Iraq adn heard stories of boot camp, but you're still completely clueless! Trust me, you haven't honestly considered all of your possible outcomes nor have you taken the dooming details to heart. You are still convinced, like 1/2 the other soliders out there, that you are as safe as a kitten and this is the easy street. I wish you would have went after scholarships instead. I KNOW you can do whatever you have your heart set on and, let's face it, your heart is not in the army.

Reason 3: These strange/confusing "signs"
So, let me put this out there first: You are going to think I'm utterly IN-SANE. Plain and simple; crazy. Don't try to argue with me, you'll just lose. Everyone has a little ESP, wheather they realize it or not - it's there. Deja vu, or "speak of the devil...", those aren't always exactly coquincidences. I know, what's this got to do with me? Well, my "6th sense" is a little stornger than most others. So, when something just a little on the weird side happens, I take it pretty seriously. The other day I was marking the 25th, day you leave, in my planner and I happened to notice the quote at the bottom of the page was circled from when I went through and read them all at the beginning of the year. The quote said, "Lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." - Martin Luther King, Jr.
Now, that quote may not mean a single thing to you, but it does me. And, frankly, me telling you my opinon about your decision here to join the guard is "a thing that matters."
I think I've made my point clear.

Though those are my main reasons for writting you this, obviously the common fear of you being shipped over to Iraq and never coming back i svery present. I'm not just concerned about your saftey, but also your future. I know you don't really want to be a 'military man' all your life, that's for sure. I know you want a wife and kids and carrer, and you definently don't want to live in fear of deployment all your life! I want those things for you too. I want you to be able to shift back in time and get a scholorship, go to college, win back that douchebag - I mean Hilary's - heart, and raise a quaint little family. Simply put: I want your dreams to come true ... more than my own. I just wish you would have put a lot more thought into this before handing over your life. (Or at least maybe your ear would have made this all impossible to happen =])

♥
Sam

ps: Live your own life

Teacher's gonna show you (she's gonna show you)
how to get an "A" (na, na, na, na, na, na)
how to spell "me", "you", add the two
listen to me baby thats all you got to do


First off- I'm changing my LJ name because
A) It's wrong, hince the lyrics up there xDD
B) I like "You write such pretty words.. But lifes no story book" better

Now, onwards to this update.

You know how I posted about my brother yesterday? Yeah, well, conviently just under two hours after, he called me. o_O And he asked if I wanted to go see The Reeping. So I went.

It. Was. Fuck. Ing. Ah. Maz. Ing.

We had the greatest time. It was just like when we used to be really close and hang out in the olden dayzzzzz [[liike I'm sooo old xDD]]

Convinetly, there's this scene where the town all has to get their heads shaved because of lice and Devon looks at me and goes, "Ha. I remember when you wanted mom to shave your head to look like me" and I almost shit myself. I'm thinking, "Did you read my 'effing LJ?!?!" and I just laughed and was like, "dahahaha yeah" but inside I'm like o_O

I've had some weird things that I like to pretend are signs happening to me lately, having to do with this Guards situation.

The other day in homeroom I had nothing to do so I was going to mark in the calender the day that Devon leaves, which is the 25th, and conviently I had the quote at the bottom of the page circled(meaning I'd liked it when I went threw and read them all durring first quarter)
The quote was something as follows: "Peoples lives begin to end the day we stop speaking up about things that matter" Martin Luther King Jr

o_O <-- Is all I gotta say to that.



Maybe I'll update more later, or remember something that I'd forgotten xDD.

OH WAIT!
Gave my mom my midterm this morning
Right before we left, to save the lecture
She actually had a tear run down her face

What a fucking pansy...

We are dirt, we are alone
You know we're far from sober!
We are fake, we are afraid
You know it’s far from over
We are dirt we are alone
You know we're far from sober!
Look closer, are you like me?
Are you ugly?


I think I helped Daniel feel better today. If I didn't, well.. he helped me feel better by letting me try. I know I can't fix everything, trust me- I've been told, but I do know that I can try. And when given the chance, I do have the potential to make a difference. Don't listen to anybody else. I can do whatever I put my mind to. I just happen to be really lazy.

But, anywho, he wasn't being himsef- very obviously- and so I was like 'You can tell me, you know' and he did and I hope he's a little less confused now. If not.. well.. maybe some other time it'll all go better? He seemed better by the end, but I don't know.

Don't expect the words I love you from me, anybody, any time soon. My hearts too preoccupied with barfing to spend it's time thinking about you. ily though ;D

Okay, so I'm in a rut.
I love my brother.
So much you don't even understand
I used to want to be just like him
I WANTED MY HEAD SHAVED TO LOOK LIKE HIM ONCE!
But everytime he's around me
I hate him
He disgusts me
He makes me sick and .. ugh

And then when he's not here [which is like always]
I cry when I think about how close we were
And now we're this. I don't let him hug me. I never talk to him

It's shitty when you lose your best friend and life support

He's going to the guards in Georgia on the 25th

I dont' want him to. He's going for all the wrong reasons
I wish he knew what he wanted
I wish he wasn't such a fuck-up

I wish I was the fuck-up
I wish I was the one that smelled
That nobody liked
That got shit grades
That lied all the time

I wish he could go places with his life
I wish he would use his potential like I would
I WISH OTHER PEOPLE WOULD BELIVE IN HIM!!

I believe he can do anythign
I've stuck behind him in every single failed attempt he's had in his life
I was there durring Hilary
I was there durring Josh
I was there durring Chris
I was there durring Casey's
I was there durring nothing
I was there durring everything
I was there durring the kick-out
I was there... and I always will be.

I just need somebody to be there for me.
For once...


To hold me while I cried
To tell me that I do still have a chance
To make sure I knew that they'd always have my back

I just want ... somebody to tell me that he's doing the right thing
That he'll be alright
That this is what he needs in his life

Please tell me that I'm not dreaming
Please tell me that his life has taken a good turn

I don't think I can take another loss...